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African-American Women: Can I Talk To You About Vulnerability & HIV? 

Just a few days ago marked World AIDS Day, and different people, of different cultures and backgrounds gathered around the world, remembering those who died fighting for, supporting, and advocating for those living of HIV/AIDS.  I sit here writing this as a 31 AA female, HIV negative, but a heavy supporter and advocate of those living with the virus.

It would be almost impermissible of me not to share what I believe to be true, as well as what I’ve seen in my working experience. For 9 whole years, I’ve had the opportunity to talk with a countless number of women, ages ranging from sixteen to as late as sixty seven, all with one thing in common – a diagnosis of HIV or AIDS. Each one of these women had a story, and every story seem to have had one common attitude in each dialogue; vulnerability. Vulnerability can be defined as ‘susceptible to physical or emotional injury’. From the stories shared with me, in group form, each one of these women admitted to leaving their hearts, minds, and bodies open – becoming susceptible to health injury.

Please, don’t mock me as being some pretend-psychologist, false diagnosing these women, but they all voluntarily spilled verbally how much regret they lived with for trusting men with their body. None of them talked about intravenous drug usage. No one talked about being born with the virus. It was all mere conversation about sexual episodes, and permissible relationships. Things and situations they could have been thought through better, but instead were ‘wide open’ allowing vulnerability to win.

It’s true that I heard many other emotions in our conversations such as sorrow, frustration, love, but ‘vulnerability’ stuck out like a thorn on a beautiful rose – placing pain right in the midst of all of these ladies relationships. Many of these women were abused physically and verbally, broken down day by day, second by second of their lives, becoming helpless victims of harmful relationships. Many of the women chose drugs and alcohol, and claimed love to be their reasoning for such choices. Imagine that.  Many of these women had become vulnerable slaves, sexually and mentally to men who probably didn’t even know how to love correctly. Each one of their stories came equipped with rough journeys of rape, acceptance, self esteem lows, child birth, and men. Could vulnerability be a factor? Sure it can.

Strong beautiful black women told me of situations where they were defeated, and taken of their own bodies and impurities. ‘Simply having unprotected sex makes one vulnerable to disease.’ That was it. That was the lesson they wanted me to retrieve from their stories.  As soon as these women decided to lie down without any protection or conversation with their mates about disease prevention or testing, they were vulnerable. They were dead meat to vultures, and had given up all of their life’s power – for sex.

Subjects like this torture my thought process, day by day, because all I’ve ever seen a black woman for is – heroic and incredibly relentless. My mother, my grandmother, and greats, all were strong women who did so much to hold together generations – with ease. When I sit and imaginatively gaze back at the history, of the women with skin tones so rich that even the finest chocolate couldn’t imitate, I think actions no less than those of a queen. A vulnerable black woman is an oxymoron in my eyes because, as a black woman – I KNOW that I am strong beyond measure.

My fellow young AA women it’s really time to stop being so vulnerable and submissive to ‘idealistic’ relationships that don’t exist in reality. These are cases where vulnerability and submission take over like mini plagues, ending relationships and leaving a woman stuck – mentally & physically. That’s one handicapped state for one super heroic gender. We’re incredibly made, so folding to a man’s control – sexually should never be an option. Love should not be some automatic ‘welcome ticket’ given to one to do they’d like with your body. Remember this.

As women first, scratch the AA part, we have bodies – that are temples. We allow the opposite sex to visit our temples, and rules must be in place. With the high numbers in HIV cases soaring in women, there is flaw in our levels of ‘confidence’, forcing our attitudes to be vulnerable.  There really is no rocket science in that finding. Right now the young African American culture of black women – are free spirited and shameless generation – sometimes fighting to be perceptively equal among the actions of young men. It’s no secret that young women out here nowadays are very bold and forward. There is rareness in finding the more ‘shy, quiet’ young woman these days, than it is in finding one who’s blunt and open about sexual desires. There is nothing particularly wrong with that, but here is where the contradiction in such an attitude is.

Sarcastically speaking, how can you claim the titles of: a firecracker, bad b*tch, educated, street smart, fashionista, socialite, and any other new millennium nickname created, aiming for big and better things in life – but not know the basics of holding your body down in a correct and respectful manner while sexually active? Why did young black women make up 13% of the new cases of HIV in 2010? Where was all of the boldness in the bedroom that could have prevented these cases?

As women, we must never allow our smarts to leave our minds, once we enter a bedroom. A man cannot restore your body’s health that God has given you – without anything expected in return. Trusting the actions of man you love is ideal, but never replace something that ‘seems like it should be correct’ as actually ‘being correct’. Loving a person in a relationship should always include trusting and accepting that person’s safe sex practices. Start this conversation with your mate at the start of a new relationship. Find out who it is that you’re trusting with the insides of your body.

There is nothing immature about sex, so never be too immature to bring up the subject of disease and trust issues before engaging in any sexual behavior. None of us are perfect, and the idea is for sex to be pleasurable. It still can be. Get tested with your partner – if unprotected sex is what you’re after. You only have life to lose. Dear African American women, be aware that in 2013, heterosexual AA women rank 4th on the leading cases of new HIV diagnosis. Get educated, get informed, protect your self-esteem, and avoid being vulnerable to disease.