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Whatever it takes to get signed to a major rap deal

    Dear Music Industry,

    I read your “Notice to Black Artists” and I really appreciated it, but I’m a black artist and I still wanna plead my case. Hear me out!

    You said I’m no longer needed, and I feel you, but I need YOU. I really wanna be famous, make money to support my family and be famous, with a lot of fans. I’m writing this letter to let you know that I’m willing to do whatever it takes and I’m a great fit for the job!

    First, you said you want a relatable image. I’ll become that image. I’m Black, but I’m totally down to whitewash whatever I need to, so I can be more relatable. I love European culture.

    To be honest, I don’t even wanna be Black. Your industry taught me that black is the worst thing I can be and I agree. But if you help me out, I’ll do whatever I need to be “relatable” and less Black. I’m down with techno and dance music. That’s not the music I started out making, but it doesn’t even matter. I can be the next Country Rapper if it’ll make you money. I just wanna be famous. I even saw an ad for some bleaching cream online, and I can start using that if you want me to.

    I don’t have a real resume, but I can list some of my qualifications. I have experience in drug sales so I’d be really good at reminding people how a lot of people like me do drugs and sell drugs. But don’t worry; I only sold drugs to people in my own community. I know that’s what I’m supposed to do.

    I’ve never killed anyone, but I’ll say that if you want. As a matter of fact, if you need me to kill someone, I will. I’ll do anything! I won’t talk about killing White people, though. I know I’m only supposed to talk about killing other black people. So, again, don’t worry. I’m your man! Those are more of my good qualities, I’m a quick learner and I’m loyal.

    I never got caught selling drugs and I don’t have a criminal record. I really just sold a little weed to a couple of my friends, so if you don’t want anyone to think of me as a drug dealer, I can be a hipster or pretend to be from the suburbs or something – it’s all up to you. I’m flexible. I have a college degree, so I’m teachable. But if that doesn’t fit into my image, no worries. I can be like 2Chainz and have thug appeal. Or I can do like Nicki Minaj and be like a cross over. I think that’s what you guys call it. Whatever you want me to portray, I’m down.

    Also, I know you mentioned you’re making movies to remind people of your divine lineage, and I think that’s great. But they had slaves in the bible too. I know there could be a role for me. I don’t mind playing a slave if that’s all you’ll hire me to play. Or I can play a drug dealer, or a crooked cop in the ghetto or a murderer/rapist or something. Whatever role you feel I’m most qualified for and whatever works for the image you want for me. Actually, I’d be really good at a slave role. I actually think that’s the best role I could play. Or, if you make other movies, like maybe an Industry version of 12 Years a Slave, you could cast me as a character like Samuel L. Jackson in Django. I know I’d do a really good job at that role too and I think if I had a job in the music industry first, it would help me get into character. I would get a lot of really good practice as a slave or a helper to a slave driver to help me prepare for a role like that in a movie.

    Also, this letter is really just about me and I really want you to give me job, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. But if it will make the deal easier, I could be a 2 for 1 package. I have a sister.  We talked and she’s totally down to do whatever it takes to be in the Industry too. She’s willing to be a hoe if you want. And she’s okay with me calling her a hoe and other rappers calling her a hoe in their music too. I do it already, so, again, I’ve had a lot of practice. If you want, I’ll even call my mother a hoe. My daughter too. I mean she’s gonna grow up and listen to rap music anyway, she might as well get used to it now. It’d be like I was helping her as a father and preparing her for the real world. Another one of my qualifications is there’s a lot of hoes in my community and I call them hoes all the time, so I’ve gotten a lot of practice and experience with that. I’ve even been thinking of a new slang term for hoes. Kinda like THOT, but better.

    To conclude, I can be a huge asset to the Industry. If you direct and teach me, I’m willing to make music and movies and anything else that will help all the other black people learn and understand that we really are “decreased in value” like you said. I can help teach people how to kill other black people really good and sell and use drugs and, hopefully, go to jail. Oh, that’s another thing on my resumé. I’ve been to jail a lot to visit my dad and homies. But I got a lot of friends in there, so if I help my other homies go to jail, that’s cool because they’ll have friends and family in there to chill with too. So it’s not even a problem. I’m telling you, I’m your man.

    I won’t take up too much more of your time, but I just wanna end by saying that I’m willing to do whatever it takes! If you give me an opportunity, I promise you won’t regret it! I know you said my services are no longer needed, but if you hire just one last one of us, I would do whatever it takes to help you guys with your plan and make you money. I’ve been doing a lot of research, listening to a lot of mainstream rap music and watching films and television like Belly, Bamboozled and all the seasons of Love & Hip Hop and I know I’m finally prepared.

    I hope to hear from you soon and I look forward to hopefully working together.

    Best Regards,

    Desperate Misled Artist

    ***This article is satire and parody.

    Written by Camille H, inspired by Trae

    Camille H is a writer, editor, lecturer, educator and public speaker. She can be contacted at [email protected] and you can follow her on Twitter @_CamilleH